For a marriage to succeed, both parties in the marriage have to be
working together towards the same goal – which is the success of the
marriage. Successful marriages today are not successful because the
wives are super women or because the women have learned the act of
keeping my home as our society would have us believe. Couples are
happily married because both husband and wife are both committed to
making our marriage work. Growing up, I heard many tales of how the
success of a marriage was entirely up to woman. The way she built her
home will determine how well the home will stand. While this is true to
some extent, the men seem to have been told they have no role to play in
ensuring the success of their marriage – it seems they too believe that
it is all down to the women to make it work. If a woman is doing all
she can to keep her home together but has an uncooperative husband, then
that marriage has no chance of success.
I was watching a Nigerian talk show a few years ago and they were
talking about how much the Nigerian woman has to sacrifice to make her
marriage work. I mean it is the same story I have heard all my life.
What sacrifices are the men advised to make? I have never heard the men
being told how to be good husbands, how to be good providers and how the
success of their marriage is also dependent on them. I always tell my
friends and even parents that the pressure on the Nigerian woman is way
too much and unrealistic. A man is unfaithful and has several
girlfriends, yet his wife is asked to pray and be patient afterall there
must be a reason why her husband is promiscuous. Does she give him sex
when he demands? Is she still as slim as when she met him? A woman is
frustrated after being a breadwinner for the last 8 years of her
marriage and people ask her if she is giving her husband enough
encouragement to fulfil his dreams? I really don’t get how the
irresponsibilities of some of these Nigerian men are blamed on their
wives. A man doesn’t respect the vows he made before God and man to love
his wife above all else and cherish her and suddenly his wife is to
blame because she isn’t doing enough? I have heard stories of women who
are told to endure domestic violence sometimes even by the Pastors
because it is a sign of failure that they were unable to keep a
marriage. These poor battered women are supposed to be patient and keep
praying that one day their men will turn over a new leaf. Well, pray
and be patient until their husbands eventually kill them.
Our women are truly patient. Isn’t it about time that men are told
the truth? That they have to put in as much effort as their wives to
make a marriage work. The woman is no magician – she can’t force her man
to stay faithful, neither can she force him to be responsible. She can
only ensure that she is doing her own part to make her marriage succeed.
She certainly can’t be the only party in a two party relationship
trying to make it work as she is bound to fail. It might be a bit too
late for this generation of men but perhaps we can bring up our sons to
understand that the success of their marriage will be dependant on the
two people who are in the marriage. We should tell our younger brothers
that they also have a role to play in ensuring the success of their
marriage and their wives like them are human and can only do so much.
Above all, we should support our women when it appears they have
tried all they can but sadly their men refused to grow up. We shouldn’t
put them down if their marriages fail because we have been wrongly told
that the failure of a marriage is as a result of some mysterious
inadequacy on the part of the woman. Most importantly, young women
should understand what marriage means to their potential life partners –
it is never too early to have these discussions while dating. From the
man’s words and actions while dating, a woman should be able to tell
whether he understands his responsibilities in a marriage. Both partners
must be on the same page to give their partnership –in this case
marriage, a good chance of success.
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